Flashback

Today marks the nine month anniversary of my new life.  Nine months ago today, Prince Charming was served with a warrant for his arrest.  I know that there will come a time in my "new life" where I will no longer feel the need to recall these anniversary dates. Perhaps they will no longer be significant.  I know there are thousands of other women who have journeyed a similar path.  And I know I can't forget where I was nine months ago, or a year ago.

I now have a desire to change my name, move away, and simply disappear so that he can't ever find me. How strange is it that I want to change my identity when I am still struggling to find myself and who I was before him? He stole part of me.  And yet, to escape his reach, I want to become someone else.  When does it stop? When do the flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, and hypervigilance end?

Earlier this week while working on an important project at work, I had to view a series of public service announcements for some non profit agencies.  One immediately caught me off guard.  It was for a battered women's organization.  It was quite graphic and almost instantly my mind was overloaded with memories of him. His voice loud and clear.  The flashbacks stayed with me the rest of the day and most of the evening.  Fragmented pieces of him and what happened. Thoughts and memories I was certain I had already dealt with.  Silly me!

And I learned from the DA, that soon after the no bill came down, Prince Charming tried to contact him.  Not once, but twice.  He had to tell Prince Charming's lawyer to tell him to stop calling.  Like he always told me, he was "untouchable" and unfortunately this has proven to be true.  He was "Mr. NYC" I was the no body, the no body that no one would believe.  How many times did he tell me that?

He sends me poetry now.  If you consider it poetry.  It's more like vulgar, pornographic, disgusting, angry rants.  In none of them does he ever say he's sorry or take responsibility for his actions.  I am so embarassed to have to present these "rants" to the police department.  Imagine what they will think of me when they read them?

Falling into September

Soon the leaves will be changing into brilliant beautiful hues of crimson, gold, plum, signaling an end to one season and the beginning of a new one.  Although winter is definitely not one of my favorite seasons I am going to look at it with fresh new eyes and a different light this time around.  I can suddenly see clearer despite my myopia.

There were moments this past week where I felt as if I were drowning again.  It has been one of those weeks.  We are now an entire week into my ex walking away from all criminal charges (five felonies) courtesy of the District Attorney's Office.  The "No Bill" was issued last week Friday.  My DA has yet to notify me. A friend brought it to my attention after visiting the DA's website.

The No Bill comes as no surprise.  It was an agreed approach based on my wanting closure and the DA's decision to not pursue it.  I have to wonder how many other cases do they decide not to pursue in a similar fashion.  Despite the mounds of physical evidence that the police department acquired for the case, my ex is walking away scott-free.  Had I had a DA who perhaps wanted to fight for me, this would have a different outcome. To him, I was just another case to get off of his desk.  He can't even take five minutes of his valuable time to call me and notify me of the outcome.

Within 72 hours of the no-bill, my e-mail was filled with obscene e-mails from my ex, including lyrics from a song dedicated to me, a list of my so-called offenses (which he mispelled as "offences", so much for his being a published author), and another piece entitled "Notes from the War Zone".

Every time my ex makes contact with me I am supposed to file a report since it is a violation of the order of protection.  Which means I would spend 90% of my time at the police department. And what would be the purpose, as when it got to the DA's office, he would decide to not follow-through on any of it.  So when my guardian angel aka the hero who helped me, tells me to not let my ex know he won the battle, as there is still a war to fight- I'm not quite sure how to respond.

Another week of no sleep thanks to horrorific nightmares about my ex urinating on my wedding gown to me sitting beside the coffin of my dead fiancee that he has killed.  Waking and feeling as if everything that happened in December was happening all over again, physically. No wonder dating is the last thing on my mind.  No wonder I am not able to concentrate. 

The change of season reminds me that I too am changing. I'm still struggling to find my place and who I am, trying to reclaim my life.  Learning what's important and what's not.  The true meaning of friendship instead of the quick folly of fake friends.  The ones that are toxic and just as bad as the relationship I was able to escape from.

Women Like Me

As I continue to chart a new course and build a new life for myself, I am still in the process of "coming out" so to speak. The number one question that everyone asks is "Why did you stay?".  I can't tell you how many well meaning people have asked me that question. It's an inappropriate question to ask, but here I will try to answer it.

Every woman has her own unique reasons for staying in an abusive relationship.  No one should judge her based on these reasons.  No one other than another survivor who has walked in our shoes could possibly understand. What has been interesting for me to learn, is that some women are just simply plain judgmental so they could never possibly understand. They will never get it.  It has also become clear to me that the general public believes that domestic violence doesn't happen to women like me.

I stayed because I loved this man, with all of my heart and soul.   He swept me off my feet. He made me laugh.  And their was a time that he made me feel beautiful.  You hope things will get better.  You make excuses for the abuse.  You blame yourself for why it happens.  For a while, you don't even believe it's abuse or that it could even be happening to you. When he tells you you are crazy that no one will believe you--you believe him. 

And you ask, "Why did you stay?"

Scorpio Rising

As so it goes, another month away from you.  Another breath taken.  Another flash back to deal with.  A moment of panic and then I remind myself of where I am.  Not allowing myself to forget where I was.  Another meeting with the DA.  Accepting the cold hard reality of what is evident.  And that which is not. 

Why is it that when others tell me how strong I am, I can see it, feel it, taste it.  Yet, when I tell myself it's more difficult to believe.  Trusting myself is something I am having to learn how to do all over again.  Two steps forward.  Two steps back.

I no longer read two horoscopes.  I read just one--mine.  What was your real date of birth anyway, March 30th like you had led me to believe for seven years, or March 24th?  I can no longer wear either one of my former favorite fragrances, Chanel Allure or Burberry Brit. The scent brings me back to you-- another flashback, something my mind felt the need to protect me from.

It's been pointed out to me by the DA's office, that it is called the "criminal justice system", and not the "victim justice system" because it is skewed and if all things were equal it would just be called the "justice system."

Through all that has happened, I am learning from other survivors how to heal and move beyond victimization.  Surviving an abusive relationship and creating a life free from violence is hard--but moving past victimization is something more than surviving; it is healing, knowing that I deserve and am capable of good things. Healing can be as difficult as surviving; it is about leaning and growing and moving on in a different way.  Becoming a better me.

So as I remember where I was a year ago, I look at where I am today.   After years of struggling with being disbelieved, and asking myself what I had done to cause you to hurt me-- I confided in someone and he believed me.  I only began to heal once I realized I wasn't alone.

I have come to believe that God places people in your life at the moment they are supposed to be there, no sooner or no later.  So today, because of grace and my guardian angel, I take another breath and smile a little more.



Reflections on Independence Day 2011

Yestarday like millions of other Americans I celebrated Independence Day.  In addition to the traditonal holiday, I celebrated a different kind of "independence". Independence and freedom from Prince Charming who consistently and deliberately would undermine my independence.

It didn't happen overnight.  It was slow and gradual until I had lost all sense of self and all remnants of personal value.  What better way to control someone than to make her doubt her perceptions? For the longest time I found myself fighting to make sense of what was happening.

He didn't start out hurting me.  He courted me and made me feel desirable.  He consistently showered me with flowers and gifts, and with his attentions.  From the very beginning he was fast and furious with declarations of love.

Slowly, Prince Charming ate away at my self-esteem.  According to him, I was incompetent at writing, and business.  I didn't have the discipline it took to be a published writer like him. Every day I was told I was a piece of shit.  Eventually I put aside everything to satisfy his needs.  Ultimately that was never enough.

I'm moving seven months into a life without Prince Charming. A body free of bruises. Yes, there are moments that I miss him.  But those are only brief moments.  They are also part of the mourning process.  The mourning of a future together and all the hopes and dreams that went with it.

With Prince Charming it was always about "the winning"--his winning.  No matter what the cost.  And this is something I must be mindful of as I build an emotionally and economically independent life at the age of 47.

I'm working to regain the personal power and control of my life that he took from me.  I'm learning to dream again.  To expect a better life.  To know that I am indeed smart enough and good enough to deserve the best.

I celebrated Independence Day twice this year-yestarday and on December 22nd. 

The Semantics of Being Safe

The Merriam-Webster's Dictionary gives the definition of the word safe as: free from harm or risk, unhurt, secure from threat of danger, harm, or loss, affording safety or security from danger, risk or difficulty, obsolete of mental or moral faculties; healthy, sound and last but not least, not likely to take risks, cautious.

As the clock ticks away on my criminal order of protection, I have had plenty of time to think about the meaning of this very complicated word.  The only time I have felt truly safe was the two days he spent locked up behind bars back in December after his arrest. 

Before a warrant was even issued for his arrest, with the help of a victims advocate, I made the decision to obtain an order of protection through Family Court.  I had to file a petition and tell the judge why I felt I needed this order.  Lucky for me, I had a very understanding and compassionate judge who understood what had happened and believed me.  Another person who believed me!!! 

For the longest time when I confronted my ex about certain things and how his abuse was affecting me, he shook his head in mock pity and told me that I had quite an imagination. He had constantly told me no one would ever believe me.  I was nothing but a piece of trash and a piece of shit.  He was a successful businessman, who would even consider believing me over him?

Before him, I had a history.  I had held responsible positions in well-known non profit agencies and won fundraising awards.  I also had been a writer, a blogger, but since him, I had written very little and finished nothing.  I spent every ounce of energy meeting his needs and demands.

My Prince Charming had a penchant for porn.  He was unable to separate sex from violence and found violent sex the most exciting kind.  It got so bad that I became able to turn off the pain of being punched in the face and thrown against the wall.  I was afraid to feel.  My feelings were not valid was another one of his favorite lines.  I had turned off my feelings for so long that I was numb, but the December rape was so traumatic they broke through.  I suddenly realized that I was tired of dying day by day.

And here we are today.  The clock ticking on every level of the criminal proceedings.  The DA's office not able to crack his alibi despite the physical evidence.  Contrary to what he told the investigator when he was removed from the police car,  I did not have a psychotic episode, fall down and hit my head.

Do I feel safe today?  Absolutely not.  I would like to.  But I know him.  I know what he is capable of.  I guess you could say I am used to living in a constant state of  heightened awareness. I sometimes distrust my fear or talk myself out of it.  That fear may impel me to some action that may very well save my life.

How ironic is it that the word "Safe" also means secure and whole?

The Mirror Speaks

Last week marked the 6th month anniversary of my exiting an emotional and physically abusive relationship.  It was with a man I had been with for 8 years. A man that I had thought was my soul mate.  My very own Prince Charming who I had met at the age of 39.

The exit was sudden and due to his arrest and brief stint in jail until being bailed out by his mother on Christmas Eve.  The violence had been escalating as they sometimes do in domestic violence relationships so I've been told. 

Six months ago, perhaps even three or four months ago I would look in the mirror and not recognize the person staring back at me.  It has been a process of re-discovering myself.  They say a battered woman is never the same woman she was before it happened.  Her history becomes woven into the fabric of her being.  Abuse wasn't supposed to happen to women like me.

As I write about my journey, last week I got the news that there probably won't be a grand jury indictment despite the physical evidence. He has an alibi.  Not a surprise.  I am learning to let go.  Trust myself again.  I didn't always make the best decisions when it came to HIM.

So I asked a very close friend of mine, (yes I am able to have friends now.  Another miracle in itself! A miracle because of this very guardian angel) am I making the right decision by letting go?  His response, was remarkable as it always is--

"Look where you were a year ago and WHERE YOU ARE NOW.  The mirror will answer your question: looking better, new job, pay raise, office, new friends...."