Friday, September 2, 2011

Falling into September

Soon the leaves will be changing into brilliant beautiful hues of crimson, gold, plum, signaling an end to one season and the beginning of a new one.  Although winter is definitely not one of my favorite seasons I am going to look at it with fresh new eyes and a different light this time around.  I can suddenly see clearer despite my myopia.

There were moments this past week where I felt as if I were drowning again.  It has been one of those weeks.  We are now an entire week into my ex walking away from all criminal charges (five felonies) courtesy of the District Attorney's Office.  The "No Bill" was issued last week Friday.  My DA has yet to notify me. A friend brought it to my attention after visiting the DA's website.

The No Bill comes as no surprise.  It was an agreed approach based on my wanting closure and the DA's decision to not pursue it.  I have to wonder how many other cases do they decide not to pursue in a similar fashion.  Despite the mounds of physical evidence that the police department acquired for the case, my ex is walking away scott-free.  Had I had a DA who perhaps wanted to fight for me, this would have a different outcome. To him, I was just another case to get off of his desk.  He can't even take five minutes of his valuable time to call me and notify me of the outcome.

Within 72 hours of the no-bill, my e-mail was filled with obscene e-mails from my ex, including lyrics from a song dedicated to me, a list of my so-called offenses (which he mispelled as "offences", so much for his being a published author), and another piece entitled "Notes from the War Zone".

Every time my ex makes contact with me I am supposed to file a report since it is a violation of the order of protection.  Which means I would spend 90% of my time at the police department. And what would be the purpose, as when it got to the DA's office, he would decide to not follow-through on any of it.  So when my guardian angel aka the hero who helped me, tells me to not let my ex know he won the battle, as there is still a war to fight- I'm not quite sure how to respond.

Another week of no sleep thanks to horrorific nightmares about my ex urinating on my wedding gown to me sitting beside the coffin of my dead fiancee that he has killed.  Waking and feeling as if everything that happened in December was happening all over again, physically. No wonder dating is the last thing on my mind.  No wonder I am not able to concentrate. 

The change of season reminds me that I too am changing. I'm still struggling to find my place and who I am, trying to reclaim my life.  Learning what's important and what's not.  The true meaning of friendship instead of the quick folly of fake friends.  The ones that are toxic and just as bad as the relationship I was able to escape from.


  1. This has been a hard time for you and the people who are your freinds.

    As an avid "Law and Order" fan, its disappionting to know in real life the court officers do not fight to get the bad guy, just to clear it off their desk.

    a sad state of affairs when criminals have more rights then the rest of us. The Good Ol' boys club needs to wake up and change some things...As my sainted grandmother always said What goes around comes around!

  2. I can feel everything you are feeling when I read your posts. You are truly an amazing and gifted writer. I am sorry you had to go through all this. You are a beautiful person who deserves peace and goodness. Know you are loved Rebecca. Keep fighting and most importantly keep writing!

  3. I know you are struggling Rebecca. Don't let him back in. He is not going to change no matter how many lies he tells you. You don't deserve that kind of treatment. Stay strong. Sending love to you.

  4. You are stronger than you think you are. You survived. You also are not alone anymore.

  5. You are a strong person. you may not think so but you have come out of a horrid relationship and instead of hiding you are writing this blog that will help others. I have seen the change in you. You are smiling and laughing again. You have taken control of your life. You know who your true friends are. The ones who are there for you when you need a shoulder to lean on. Keep witing you have the gift to do so.

  6. Rebecca-you're in my thoughts. You've come along way don't go back no matter what promises he makes to you. Your case is yet another shining example of why women "like us" don't call the police. We have to have hope that we can change things.