Believe...

Silent Night

It's hard to understand or remember the exact moment when Prince Charming began to disrespect me.  Was it the first time he told me I was stupid and my opinion was worthless?  Was it when he slapped me that first time? Or that afternoon in June when he raped me on the floor of the kitchen in his mother's home? Was it when he called me a fat pig, a dumb bitch or a stupid whore?  Or the time he told me my feelings were not valid?

Oh there is so much more to the story of Prince Charming.  Very few know the cold hard facts. Mr. NYC was secretly running an escort service out of his Manhattan apartment.  Yes, this model man who I had been with for 8 years, was not at all who he seemed.  His entire life was a lie and his behind the scene behaviors were and are clearly evil.

So as I relive each hurt from that 8 year relationship, I remember the shame.  How gullible and duped I was for falling so hard.  I was vulnerable, naive, blinded.  I believed in a man I loved and I did not believe he would keep hurting me. I remember covering the bruises and congratulating myself for covering for him  This isn't so bad.  He wasn't so bad.  If no one sees what he has done, then no one will think he is a monster and I am a fool. Sometimes I still hear his voice in my head and his ranting about me not having learned my lesson.  So at the age of 49, what is it I have learned since being away from him?

Rule number one--love does not cause pain.  Love does not include betrayal, being taken for granted, being treated without respect, lashed out at, or on the receiving end of nastiness, meanness, insults, hostility, aggression, intimidation or violence.  Love is not being forced to participate in pornographic videos or continually raped.  Love is real and can be possible.  But only with someone that values, respects, protects, accepts, and supports you rather than hurts you.

A few other things I have learned along my journey:

The scales of justice are in reality, a broken system filled with dysfunction which favors the abuser and re-victimizes the victim.  There are so many instances in which I was made to feel as the criminal.  Pasts are continually held against victims. The system continually rewards the criminal and blames the victim for his battering behaviors.  Will this ever change?

Happy Birthday to Me--2 Years Free!!!

Tomorrow, December 22, 2012 marks the second anniversary of my escape from Prince Charming.  Two years ago tomorrow is the day the police intervened and arrested him.  It is not my real birthday.  But in a sense it is the day I was reborn.  

I remember the days after when the phone stopped ringing because Prince Charming wasn't calling me twenty or thirty times a day to monitor where I was and what I was doing.  There was a sense of eerie calm and quiet for a brief time. I no longer had to listen to his violent, profanity-laced tirades which left me feeling as though I had no value, no self-worth, and no where to turn for help. The bruises on my body healed. It has taken longer for my spirit to heal.

So today as I continue to fight Prince Charming's seemingly endless litigation, I do not hate him, but I am aware of who he is.  What he has done to me and continues to do, cannot be dismissed.  Forgiveness is a choice, not a forced requirement.

By telling my story and documenting the unspeakable, in writing and witnessing the truth, the power of the secret is diminished.  Perhaps next time you yourself come across a woman in an abusive relationship, instead of asking why anyone stays with a man who beats her, you can manage the empathy and courage to help her in her way instead of judging her.  Abuse can happen to any woman.

Super Cop Vs. Super Advocate

I have remained silent regarding an important piece of information that has come to light within the last month or so.  Perhaps because I am still in a state of shock from the investigative report that was written by our local newspaper regarding the domestic violence advocate I was referred to by the hero (aka Super Cop)-- who helped me escape Prince Charming.

It's a story too far fetched to imagine nor even comprehend.  Yet, eerily similar to one written about Tania Head--"The Woman Who Wasn't There-The True Story of an Incredible Deception" by Robin Gaby Fisher and Angelo J. Gugliemo, Jr.  Tania Head was the woman who became a super star because of her astonishing account of her 9-11 experience in the World Trade Towers.  She had become an effective advocate for survivors of 9-11, with one small minor detail, she was a complete fraud.

Unbeknowest to me, over the past year our local domestic violence community (membership consisting of the DA's office, various police agencies, community service providers, etc.) had seriously begun to doubt the credentials and personal story of one very well known advocate.  "Her personal tale of victimization harrowing and her saga of survival inspiring", so said the Democrat and Chronicle.

Prior to the article being published, a fellow member of the advocacy group I belonged to, alerted me to the fact that Super Advocate's credentials including a Master's Degree in Public Administration in Criminal Justice were false.  The universities she claimed to have attended, had no record of her completing any degree.

The fabricated educational credentials were just the tip of the iceberg.  Elements of her story were unable to be confirmed or verified, despite her story of survival being one that would have been shall we say, "News Worthy".  Not a single piece of evidence was discovered by this investigative reporter.

Here is the link to the full article:

http://www.democratandchronicle.com/article/20121121/news01/311210049

When I confronted Super Advocate directly prior to the article, she assured me she did indeed have an MPA in Criminal Justice and could prove it.   I gave her the benefit of the doubt regarding her fancy degrees despite what everyone else was telling me and she still lied.  In the beginning it didn't matter to me whether she had a GED or a PH.D.  However, her actions jeopardized important research projects pertaining to domestic violence.  Her response to me: "I just know that I feel betrayed by you."

Being friends with people like this is like being in a relationship with Prince Charming. Super Advocate was just as abusive on many levels.  She manipulated her way in the District Attorney's Office by pretending to have a Master's Degree in Public Administration in Criminal Justice.  And not a single person checked her credentials.

So who's job is it to protect the real victims from people like Super Advocate?  No one seems to want to hold her accountable.  Yet, they tell us to hold our abusers accountable for their actions.

15 Minutes of Fame

I learned last week courtesy of the District Attorneys office that my ex can actually go on any radio show and contact any local media outlet that he wants because he is protected under the First Amendment.  He can also forward any copies of criminal complaints that list my name as the victim because that is public record.  What's next the Maury Povich show?

He's hell bent on revenge it's clear to see and I knew this was how it was going to be.  I was with him for 8 years.  I saw what he did to his former business colleagues who he felt betrayed him.  And since I told his dirty little secret, I'm now number one on his hit list.

Interesting to note that I was bullied by the District Attorneys office to withdraw my petition for a civil order of protection.  Why would the District Attorney's office be involved in a Family Court matter one might wonder?  A civil court no less.  Especially since I'm just a crazy woman from Greece. So much for a newly elected District Attorney and all that hope and change.  Her concern for all the domestic violence cases that were dropped by assistant district attorneys.  It's all talk.

But I'm stronger for everything that he and the criminal justice system put me through.  My body is free of bruises. You took my breath, wind and my spirit.  It's 639 days and counting since I have escaped you.  My mind is healing and learning to believe that I am indeed worthy of everything good. I am not a whore, a stupid bitch or a piece of shit.  You are all those things and more.  A man with no moral compass.

My struggle today is how do I help another victim escape after my experience of not being believed by an investigator who shall remain unnamed.  Yet, helped by the one officer who was a guardian angel to me. He knows who he is and he too shall remain unnamed. It's because of his belief in me that I am where I am today--alive.  He helped me escape and referred me to the proper agencies.  He took my call that fall day around this same time of the year. I asked him one question and he asked me fifty.  I reached out for help.  Despite Prince Charming's rants that no one would ever believe me.  This officer did.

When an investigator calls you a liar?  What should your reply be?

I know what you did to me.  The body does not lie.

Tidal Wave

A very good friend of mine, another survivor, reminded me that healing doesn't happen over night, or in the blink of an eye--it's a process.  Personally, it's a process that's long overdue for me.  Yes, I feel stronger every day.  I'm not that same woman that first escaped back in December 2010 nor am I the same woman last summer having to deal with the criminal justice system.

But yet sometimes he is still controlling me.  My constant fear and anxiety, waiting to see what his next move is, his constant need to win, his having to teach me a lesson.  How many times did he tell me that?  I can still hear his voice in my head.

My identity was revealed on another blog, by an anonymous blogger who knows nothing about me but felt the need to "out" me.  The comments that followed were not positive and sounded an awful lot like Prince Charming's writing style.

Yes, the bruises on my body have long healed, but the emotional scars are fresh and raw.  Who knows how long they will take to heal.

Chasing Shadows

I jumped into the New Year with an entire new attitude and a letting go of my ex and everything he did. Healing is a process another survivor shared with me. I spent and entire year healing and trying to find myself after being lost for so long.  I found that strength that my close friends knew I had buried.  I try to start each day hoping for the best instead of being afraid.  But deep down inside that fear lingers.  I can't explain it other to say it's there.  It never goes away completely.  It's an almost knowing that he will do something.  Even if it's not today, tomorrow, next week, next month or next year.  He will eventually make me disappear just like he has always threatened to do. So I wait.

And lo and behold, my ex decides to embark on a publicity tour.  His very own publicity tour to rant about me and the local police department who saved my life.   He called into two local radio stations during a one week period in January.  Thankfully I did not hear either of his interviews.  Friends did.  Based on various reports, he pretty much sounded like the sociopath he truly is.  Never taking responsibility for any of his actions.  Accusing me of unfaithfulness and a bunch of other accusations.

And I fall apart all over again.