Flashback

Today marks the nine month anniversary of my new life.  Nine months ago today, Prince Charming was served with a warrant for his arrest.  I know that there will come a time in my "new life" where I will no longer feel the need to recall these anniversary dates. Perhaps they will no longer be significant.  I know there are thousands of other women who have journeyed a similar path.  And I know I can't forget where I was nine months ago, or a year ago.

I now have a desire to change my name, move away, and simply disappear so that he can't ever find me. How strange is it that I want to change my identity when I am still struggling to find myself and who I was before him? He stole part of me.  And yet, to escape his reach, I want to become someone else.  When does it stop? When do the flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, and hypervigilance end?

Earlier this week while working on an important project at work, I had to view a series of public service announcements for some non profit agencies.  One immediately caught me off guard.  It was for a battered women's organization.  It was quite graphic and almost instantly my mind was overloaded with memories of him. His voice loud and clear.  The flashbacks stayed with me the rest of the day and most of the evening.  Fragmented pieces of him and what happened. Thoughts and memories I was certain I had already dealt with.  Silly me!

And I learned from the DA, that soon after the no bill came down, Prince Charming tried to contact him.  Not once, but twice.  He had to tell Prince Charming's lawyer to tell him to stop calling.  Like he always told me, he was "untouchable" and unfortunately this has proven to be true.  He was "Mr. NYC" I was the no body, the no body that no one would believe.  How many times did he tell me that?

He sends me poetry now.  If you consider it poetry.  It's more like vulgar, pornographic, disgusting, angry rants.  In none of them does he ever say he's sorry or take responsibility for his actions.  I am so embarassed to have to present these "rants" to the police department.  Imagine what they will think of me when they read them?

Falling into September

Soon the leaves will be changing into brilliant beautiful hues of crimson, gold, plum, signaling an end to one season and the beginning of a new one.  Although winter is definitely not one of my favorite seasons I am going to look at it with fresh new eyes and a different light this time around.  I can suddenly see clearer despite my myopia.

There were moments this past week where I felt as if I were drowning again.  It has been one of those weeks.  We are now an entire week into my ex walking away from all criminal charges (five felonies) courtesy of the District Attorney's Office.  The "No Bill" was issued last week Friday.  My DA has yet to notify me. A friend brought it to my attention after visiting the DA's website.

The No Bill comes as no surprise.  It was an agreed approach based on my wanting closure and the DA's decision to not pursue it.  I have to wonder how many other cases do they decide not to pursue in a similar fashion.  Despite the mounds of physical evidence that the police department acquired for the case, my ex is walking away scott-free.  Had I had a DA who perhaps wanted to fight for me, this would have a different outcome. To him, I was just another case to get off of his desk.  He can't even take five minutes of his valuable time to call me and notify me of the outcome.

Within 72 hours of the no-bill, my e-mail was filled with obscene e-mails from my ex, including lyrics from a song dedicated to me, a list of my so-called offenses (which he mispelled as "offences", so much for his being a published author), and another piece entitled "Notes from the War Zone".

Every time my ex makes contact with me I am supposed to file a report since it is a violation of the order of protection.  Which means I would spend 90% of my time at the police department. And what would be the purpose, as when it got to the DA's office, he would decide to not follow-through on any of it.  So when my guardian angel aka the hero who helped me, tells me to not let my ex know he won the battle, as there is still a war to fight- I'm not quite sure how to respond.

Another week of no sleep thanks to horrorific nightmares about my ex urinating on my wedding gown to me sitting beside the coffin of my dead fiancee that he has killed.  Waking and feeling as if everything that happened in December was happening all over again, physically. No wonder dating is the last thing on my mind.  No wonder I am not able to concentrate. 

The change of season reminds me that I too am changing. I'm still struggling to find my place and who I am, trying to reclaim my life.  Learning what's important and what's not.  The true meaning of friendship instead of the quick folly of fake friends.  The ones that are toxic and just as bad as the relationship I was able to escape from.