Monday, July 25, 2011

Scorpio Rising

As so it goes, another month away from you.  Another breath taken.  Another flash back to deal with.  A moment of panic and then I remind myself of where I am.  Not allowing myself to forget where I was.  Another meeting with the DA.  Accepting the cold hard reality of what is evident.  And that which is not. 

Why is it that when others tell me how strong I am, I can see it, feel it, taste it.  Yet, when I tell myself it's more difficult to believe.  Trusting myself is something I am having to learn how to do all over again.  Two steps forward.  Two steps back.

I no longer read two horoscopes.  I read just one--mine.  What was your real date of birth anyway, March 30th like you had led me to believe for seven years, or March 24th?  I can no longer wear either one of my former favorite fragrances, Chanel Allure or Burberry Brit. The scent brings me back to you-- another flashback, something my mind felt the need to protect me from.

It's been pointed out to me by the DA's office, that it is called the "criminal justice system", and not the "victim justice system" because it is skewed and if all things were equal it would just be called the "justice system."

Through all that has happened, I am learning from other survivors how to heal and move beyond victimization.  Surviving an abusive relationship and creating a life free from violence is hard--but moving past victimization is something more than surviving; it is healing, knowing that I deserve and am capable of good things. Healing can be as difficult as surviving; it is about leaning and growing and moving on in a different way.  Becoming a better me.

So as I remember where I was a year ago, I look at where I am today.   After years of struggling with being disbelieved, and asking myself what I had done to cause you to hurt me-- I confided in someone and he believed me.  I only began to heal once I realized I wasn't alone.

I have come to believe that God places people in your life at the moment they are supposed to be there, no sooner or no later.  So today, because of grace and my guardian angel, I take another breath and smile a little more.

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