What Doesn't Kill You....

"Write what should not be forgotten.” 

― Isabel Allende

"What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)"
From Kelly Clarkson

You know the bed feels warmer
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in colour
And do the things I want

You think you got the best of me
Think you've had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I'd come running back
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

You heard that I was starting over with someone new
They told you I was moving on over you

You didn't think that I'd come back
I'd come back swinging
You try to break me, but you see

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking about me
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning
In the end...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

[2x]
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

(When I'm alone)

Masquerade

The other day I found myself missing you. It was St. Patrick's Day Weekend--which would have marked our "10th" anniversary of being together.  For a split second I thought of you.  I had a sense of missing you. But was it really you I was missing or was it the illusion of you? The visible marks of bruises you left are long gone but scars remain.

As fellow survivors know, that to be a survivor, first you must bleed.  You bleed all that is inside of you; the hurt, the pain, the memories, the fear, the wounds fusing together, the ties to what was in, all its forms.  You bleed not once but several times.  And when you are empty, you either fade into a shadow or find the strength and courage to live. When you stand up again, you are for a time, hollow-empty.  Then you fill yourself up with the new, you recreate yourself, you reform, you breathe again.  You don't have the same heart or mind.  The way you see the world is forever changed.

I remember looking at my shadow in the mirror, studying it, observing it, watching it,  sometimes talking to it, because it was all I knew.  My self-esteem, loyalty, trust, independence had all been taken from me by you. I secretly still carry the scarlet "V" on my chest.  All because I loved the wrong man.  Yes, you may have taken my breath away, taken the wind out of my sails and you tried to break my spirit--but I have come a long way from being broken.

Inspiring Women

Last Friday I received a surprise in my mail box.  It was the book I had been waiting for. Not just any book.   It was written by my friend Tre.  It tells the personal story of her journey of being a survivor of a different kind.  She lost the love of her life at the age of 34.  She was married to a friend of mine, Alberto, who passed away at the age of 40.  I met Alberto the same time I met Prince Charming in 2003.  There is not another writer who writes like Tre.  She takes you the reader into her personal love affair and eventual marriage. She gives up her single life in California and moves to New York City.  You feel with her as she loses Alberto that fateful March day in 2009. She has incredible strength and is an inspiration to me in more ways than she could ever imagine.

For information on Splitting the Difference check out her website at: 

http://splittingthedifferencebook.com/

The Hounds of Winter

Fade To Black

It's funny how our subconscious mind works. And how often we choose to ignore it.

Somewhere along in my 8 year relationship with Prince Charming, I bought him a DVD of the Diane Lane and Richard Gere film, "Unfaithful".  The movie was filmed in New York City and has some of the most beautiful cinematography (Mercer and Broome Street in Soho).  I fell in love with the imagery and since Prince Charming lived in NYC it was reminiscent of my time in the Big Apple.  Diane Lane looks spectacular in the film and Prince Charming used to claim that he had been mistaken for Richard Gere on numerous occasions. (One of the many tales he spun including his book being optioned by Oliver Stone).

I gave him the DVD under no other pretense other than thinking he too would enjoy the beautiful images in the film.  I find it so ironic now that he was totally "Unfaithful" for the entire 8 years we were together.  He was placing ads on craigslist for live-in girl friends on Christmas Eve in 2008.  Friends have asked what his reaction was when I gave him the DVD.  I can't recall exactly but I do know now that he was a very good actor, most sociopaths are.  Richard Gere has nothing on him.

Believe...

Silent Night

It's hard to understand or remember the exact moment when Prince Charming began to disrespect me.  Was it the first time he told me I was stupid and my opinion was worthless?  Was it when he slapped me that first time? Or that afternoon in June when he raped me on the floor of the kitchen in his mother's home? Was it when he called me a fat pig, a dumb bitch or a stupid whore?  Or the time he told me my feelings were not valid?

Oh there is so much more to the story of Prince Charming.  Very few know the cold hard facts. Mr. NYC was secretly running an escort service out of his Manhattan apartment.  Yes, this model man who I had been with for 8 years, was not at all who he seemed.  His entire life was a lie and his behind the scene behaviors were and are clearly evil.

So as I relive each hurt from that 8 year relationship, I remember the shame.  How gullible and duped I was for falling so hard.  I was vulnerable, naive, blinded.  I believed in a man I loved and I did not believe he would keep hurting me. I remember covering the bruises and congratulating myself for covering for him  This isn't so bad.  He wasn't so bad.  If no one sees what he has done, then no one will think he is a monster and I am a fool. Sometimes I still hear his voice in my head and his ranting about me not having learned my lesson.  So at the age of 49, what is it I have learned since being away from him?

Rule number one--love does not cause pain.  Love does not include betrayal, being taken for granted, being treated without respect, lashed out at, or on the receiving end of nastiness, meanness, insults, hostility, aggression, intimidation or violence.  Love is not being forced to participate in pornographic videos or continually raped.  Love is real and can be possible.  But only with someone that values, respects, protects, accepts, and supports you rather than hurts you.

A few other things I have learned along my journey:

The scales of justice are in reality, a broken system filled with dysfunction which favors the abuser and re-victimizes the victim.  There are so many instances in which I was made to feel as the criminal.  Pasts are continually held against victims. The system continually rewards the criminal and blames the victim for his battering behaviors.  Will this ever change?