Happy Birthday to Me--2 Years Free!!!

Tomorrow, December 22, 2012 marks the second anniversary of my escape from Prince Charming.  Two years ago tomorrow is the day the police intervened and arrested him.  It is not my real birthday.  But in a sense it is the day I was reborn.  

I remember the days after when the phone stopped ringing because Prince Charming wasn't calling me twenty or thirty times a day to monitor where I was and what I was doing.  There was a sense of eerie calm and quiet for a brief time. I no longer had to listen to his violent, profanity-laced tirades which left me feeling as though I had no value, no self-worth, and no where to turn for help. The bruises on my body healed. It has taken longer for my spirit to heal.

So today as I continue to fight Prince Charming's seemingly endless litigation, I do not hate him, but I am aware of who he is.  What he has done to me and continues to do, cannot be dismissed.  Forgiveness is a choice, not a forced requirement.

By telling my story and documenting the unspeakable, in writing and witnessing the truth, the power of the secret is diminished.  Perhaps next time you yourself come across a woman in an abusive relationship, instead of asking why anyone stays with a man who beats her, you can manage the empathy and courage to help her in her way instead of judging her.  Abuse can happen to any woman.

Super Cop Vs. Super Advocate

I have remained silent regarding an important piece of information that has come to light within the last month or so.  Perhaps because I am still in a state of shock from the investigative report that was written by our local newspaper regarding the domestic violence advocate I was referred to by the hero (aka Super Cop)-- who helped me escape Prince Charming.

It's a story too far fetched to imagine nor even comprehend.  Yet, eerily similar to one written about Tania Head--"The Woman Who Wasn't There-The True Story of an Incredible Deception" by Robin Gaby Fisher and Angelo J. Gugliemo, Jr.  Tania Head was the woman who became a super star because of her astonishing account of her 9-11 experience in the World Trade Towers.  She had become an effective advocate for survivors of 9-11, with one small minor detail, she was a complete fraud.

Unbeknowest to me, over the past year our local domestic violence community (membership consisting of the DA's office, various police agencies, community service providers, etc.) had seriously begun to doubt the credentials and personal story of one very well known advocate.  "Her personal tale of victimization harrowing and her saga of survival inspiring", so said the Democrat and Chronicle.

Prior to the article being published, a fellow member of the advocacy group I belonged to, alerted me to the fact that Super Advocate's credentials including a Master's Degree in Public Administration in Criminal Justice were false.  The universities she claimed to have attended, had no record of her completing any degree.

The fabricated educational credentials were just the tip of the iceberg.  Elements of her story were unable to be confirmed or verified, despite her story of survival being one that would have been shall we say, "News Worthy".  Not a single piece of evidence was discovered by this investigative reporter.

Here is the link to the full article:

http://www.democratandchronicle.com/article/20121121/news01/311210049

When I confronted Super Advocate directly prior to the article, she assured me she did indeed have an MPA in Criminal Justice and could prove it.   I gave her the benefit of the doubt regarding her fancy degrees despite what everyone else was telling me and she still lied.  In the beginning it didn't matter to me whether she had a GED or a PH.D.  However, her actions jeopardized important research projects pertaining to domestic violence.  Her response to me: "I just know that I feel betrayed by you."

Being friends with people like this is like being in a relationship with Prince Charming. Super Advocate was just as abusive on many levels.  She manipulated her way in the District Attorney's Office by pretending to have a Master's Degree in Public Administration in Criminal Justice.  And not a single person checked her credentials.

So who's job is it to protect the real victims from people like Super Advocate?  No one seems to want to hold her accountable.  Yet, they tell us to hold our abusers accountable for their actions.

15 Minutes of Fame

I learned last week courtesy of the District Attorneys office that my ex can actually go on any radio show and contact any local media outlet that he wants because he is protected under the First Amendment.  He can also forward any copies of criminal complaints that list my name as the victim because that is public record.  What's next the Maury Povich show?

He's hell bent on revenge it's clear to see and I knew this was how it was going to be.  I was with him for 8 years.  I saw what he did to his former business colleagues who he felt betrayed him.  And since I told his dirty little secret, I'm now number one on his hit list.

Interesting to note that I was bullied by the District Attorneys office to withdraw my petition for a civil order of protection.  Why would the District Attorney's office be involved in a Family Court matter one might wonder?  A civil court no less.  Especially since I'm just a crazy woman from Greece. So much for a newly elected District Attorney and all that hope and change.  Her concern for all the domestic violence cases that were dropped by assistant district attorneys.  It's all talk.

But I'm stronger for everything that he and the criminal justice system put me through.  My body is free of bruises. You took my breath, wind and my spirit.  It's 639 days and counting since I have escaped you.  My mind is healing and learning to believe that I am indeed worthy of everything good. I am not a whore, a stupid bitch or a piece of shit.  You are all those things and more.  A man with no moral compass.

My struggle today is how do I help another victim escape after my experience of not being believed by an investigator who shall remain unnamed.  Yet, helped by the one officer who was a guardian angel to me. He knows who he is and he too shall remain unnamed. It's because of his belief in me that I am where I am today--alive.  He helped me escape and referred me to the proper agencies.  He took my call that fall day around this same time of the year. I asked him one question and he asked me fifty.  I reached out for help.  Despite Prince Charming's rants that no one would ever believe me.  This officer did.

When an investigator calls you a liar?  What should your reply be?

I know what you did to me.  The body does not lie.

Tidal Wave

A very good friend of mine, another survivor, reminded me that healing doesn't happen over night, or in the blink of an eye--it's a process.  Personally, it's a process that's long overdue for me.  Yes, I feel stronger every day.  I'm not that same woman that first escaped back in December 2010 nor am I the same woman last summer having to deal with the criminal justice system.

But yet sometimes he is still controlling me.  My constant fear and anxiety, waiting to see what his next move is, his constant need to win, his having to teach me a lesson.  How many times did he tell me that?  I can still hear his voice in my head.

My identity was revealed on another blog, by an anonymous blogger who knows nothing about me but felt the need to "out" me.  The comments that followed were not positive and sounded an awful lot like Prince Charming's writing style.

Yes, the bruises on my body have long healed, but the emotional scars are fresh and raw.  Who knows how long they will take to heal.

Chasing Shadows

I jumped into the New Year with an entire new attitude and a letting go of my ex and everything he did. Healing is a process another survivor shared with me. I spent and entire year healing and trying to find myself after being lost for so long.  I found that strength that my close friends knew I had buried.  I try to start each day hoping for the best instead of being afraid.  But deep down inside that fear lingers.  I can't explain it other to say it's there.  It never goes away completely.  It's an almost knowing that he will do something.  Even if it's not today, tomorrow, next week, next month or next year.  He will eventually make me disappear just like he has always threatened to do. So I wait.

And lo and behold, my ex decides to embark on a publicity tour.  His very own publicity tour to rant about me and the local police department who saved my life.   He called into two local radio stations during a one week period in January.  Thankfully I did not hear either of his interviews.  Friends did.  Based on various reports, he pretty much sounded like the sociopath he truly is.  Never taking responsibility for any of his actions.  Accusing me of unfaithfulness and a bunch of other accusations.

And I fall apart all over again. 

Every Day Heroes, the Accidental Psychic and Other Assorted Characters

Last week marked a very important day for me. One year ago December 22, 2010 I escaped from an 8 year relationship that had become increasingly and alarmingly dangerous.  I did not leave by choice.  The end came abruptly.  I had hoped to write something inspiring that day but alas, the day flew away before I had the opportunity to.  I did manage to send a note of thanks to the hero who helped me get away.  A few helped me on that journey, but he played an important part and I owe a tremendous amount of gratitude to him.  Through all the dark days his words of support and encouragement made me stronger.  When legal justice was not to be had because of our local DA's office, I had plenty of dark days, but then I would discover a biblical quote he would send me via e-mail.  I was happy to learn that my Christmas note was the best one he would receive this holiday season.

Speaking of DA's.  I have been invited to the swearing in ceremony of our newly elected individual.  I did not vote for her.  But I plan on attending the ceremony, to remind her.  Yes, I was a victim, but I am no longer a victim.  And I will be watching that office to see how they treat other survivors.  There are a bunch of characters in the local District Attorney's office that seem to be more concerned with the rights of criminals than survivors.

As for the accidental psychic...I met her on a last minute Christmas shopping trip to our local mall. I first became aware of her while I was purchasing some toys for my dog.  I then noticed her again at the Barnes and Noble store, where she approached me and pulled me aside.  She was an ordinary looking woman I would guess to be in her early 50's.  She started the conversation apologizing for her behavior saying that she normally does not do this.  She explained she was a clairvoyant.  She said the minute she spotted me she received images of my being in danger so she felt the need to tell me to be careful.  She went on to say that the person that I loved wanted to hurt me, he had hurt me before, and he was going to do something to hurt me again, or have someone else hurt me.  She grabbed my hand and shoulder while she told me this and urged me to be extremely careful who I came across and let near me. When she brought forth a name that was very similar to my ex's, I was startled.  She said his name was Roy, the man that wanted to hurt me.  She went on to tell me that she was not from the area and was visiting family for the holiday.  She said it appeared "Roy" had the money, the means, and the method to hurt me. She apologized for frightening me and said that normally she would not approach a complete stranger and offer such a reading, but in my case it was drastically different.  The images were too strong for her to ignore.  She ended our conversation by offering to pray that I would be safe, stay safe and be protected. 

So as 2011 draws to a close, I am considering a self defense class and dare I say, a gun permit?

Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving 2011 is merely days away.  Tomorrow also happens to mark the 11th month anniversary of gaining my independence and freedom from Prince Charming.  Earlier this month I turned 48 years old. So it's been a month of reflections. 

I am thankful to be able to share my experience with other women, letting them see that they too can become a survivor and not be just a victim.  If I can build the confidence and self esteem of one other woman, giving her the strength to see that she too is not alone.  For her to know that she is believed.  She is not crazy.  She is valued.  She is loved.  For her to know that her feelings are indeed valid.

During this season of giving, look around you and know that the woman standing in line next to you, perhaps your co-worker, your sister, or your daughter, could very well be being abused by the man that she loves.  Domestic violence doesn't discriminate.  Victims come from all walks of life, all different socio economic backgrounds. No one would have imagined that I was being abused. I didn't realize it myself.  I made excuses and blamed myself, something I still do today. But I'm healing.  It's a slow and steady process and for this I give thanks.

I give thanks to the hero who took my call that day last November and understood I was in crisis, even though I didn't realize it.  His words of encouragement and support when I was going through a difficult time meant the world to me. He truly is like a brother to me. 

I am thankful for all the law enforcement professionals who helped me as well. All in a day's work for them, but they don't understand how much it means to victims to be understood, believed, validated.  They are all heros and they know who they are.  I am extremely lucky and thankful to live in a community with such an outstanding police department.

Special thanks to Eva and Paula who helped me believe in myself.  I give thanks to all the woman I have met who too are survivors.  I have learned something from every single one of them. We share a common bond. I give thanks to my friend Kate, who I have known for over 25 years.  She knew I was being abused even before I did.  She has held my hand on so many occasions.  She doesn't know she is an inspiration to me.  She believed me.  She knew I was not crazy.  Her endless support  through all of my dark days, and her own inner strength, inspires me.